Hard to believe it’s been that long already.
When I started this blog I was in a very bad place. I had been out of college for four months and still didn’t have a job, my relationship of three years ended disastrously and I was condemned to live with the woman for another two months before I could move out, and soon I would be moving back to my hometown to live with my parents.
The life I had built was falling down around me. Had Mephistopheles knocked on my door I would have gleefully shaken his hand and accepted any deal he had come to make.
A manifestation of my misery came to life in insomnia.
I had it bad. My schedule became so out of balance that I was falling asleep at sunrise and waking at sunset. The daylight hours I managed to stay conscious I was too tired to do anything. The night hours I was too wired to sit still, but so determined to try and sleep that I didn’t do anything then either. Every day was a collage of hours spent in my bed writhing, punching, and screaming for some end to my restlessness.
Furthermore, my ex-girlfriend that I was still living with had already found someone else, someone who “had more scholarly pursuits.” The pretentious way of saying I was too stupid for her.
So with nights of my brain running wild and an unyielding desire to reaffirm my intelligence I was desperate to have something in my life that was moving forward while everything else went backwards. With a burgeoning interest in Humanism and relentless reading of Isaac Asimov novels I decided it might be time to reenter the secular society and make my voice heard.
One sleepless night I punched my bed and said “I can’t believe I’ve been conscious for 72 straight hours! God damn constant consciousness!” Fell in love with that phrase and started the site that very night.
I had some apprehension about reentering secular society. The internet world of atheists will force you to see some infuriating things. You’ll run into the pompous godless folk who only feel good about themselves when they put down religion. You’ll also run into the evangelical types who purposely tag atheism/humanism/agnostic in all their posts so you can feel the hair bristle on the back of your neck while they tell you all the reasons you’re going to hell.
There has been plenty of that, but there have been numerous positive experiences as well. One of my goals is starting this blog was to ensure my complaints were directed at philosophical disagreements with religion and not religion itself. If you’re a frequent reader you’ll know one of my common themes is fighting against the notion of “us” vs “them.” Given the number of pleasant emails I’ve had with both atheists and religious apologetics I’d say I’ve managed to impart that feeling in my work.
A lot has changed since that day 1 year ago. My sleep schedule, while far from perfect, is much improved. I’ve lived in three different states from North Carolina, to Georgia, to California, and still haven’t settled down so there may be more to come. My search for a career continues while numerous odd jobs keep my wallet full. I spent an amazing three days driving across the country and seeing things I’d dreamed about seeing for years. I’ve gotten to meet some of the bigger names in Humanism and comic books while looking for work, and pushed myself to do things a younger, anxiety-ridden me would never dare to do.
While my search for a career where I can finally use my English degree is depressing at times, Constant Consciousness has been a wonderful outlet. More than anything, I want my writing to influence people to form new ideas, whether they align with my ideals or be completely contrarian. Though my blog is not one of the more popular ones out there, I’m proud of the work I’ve put in here. Taking time to organize my philosophies on paper has helped put order to thoughts that would normally be a jumble in my mind.
So while I won’t get famous from Constant Consciousness, and putting a secular blog on my resumes may be hurting my chances more than helping, I’m very happy with the decision. Don’t plan on stopping any time soon.